I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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