Ketchup is God's man juice
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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