i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
