I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
false alarm, still single
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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