I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You're a waste of cheezeits
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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