im about as happy as oj after his trial
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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