Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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