either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
