yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
