you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
