I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
