i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He passed out mid-signature
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
