There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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