god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
