I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
