Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
