I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
