He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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