I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
