i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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