Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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