I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
