I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize