i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
