You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
