he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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