She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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