So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
