I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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