my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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