I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
