I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
