It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
