the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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