She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
