Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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