I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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