my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
sex in a hospital.. check
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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