I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize