Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
