So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
