Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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