I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
