She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
