chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
