Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
