why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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