What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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