Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
