You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
