Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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