I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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