i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
