your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
