Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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