i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
