i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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