Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
