imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Randomize
