I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
