I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
