dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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