I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
