Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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