I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
