is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
