I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
