sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
