Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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