I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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